“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
-Epictetus
Listening is one of the most important skills in life because it is the key to effective communication. In addition, attentive listening is crucial to establishing and maintaining positive and respectful relationships with others. The question then arises: “How can you become a better listener?”
Here are the key steps you need to take to become a better listener:
1.Pay Attention
To listen attentively means to bring all your undivided attention to what has been said in the act of communication. It means to hear everything that the other person is saying, without interpreting it in your own way.
2.Listen to understand
Most people are not able to listen attentively to others, as they continue to think when other people are talking. Remember that if you are thinking about what has been said in the act of communication, you can hear only your own interpretation of what the other person said. Hence, you will already have an opinion, an answer, or a conclusion, before anything was said. By interpreting the message in your own way, you will actually change the meaning of the words, and therefore misinterpret the message. This will directly influence your response, behaviour, and the outcome in the interaction. As Roy Benett declared, “The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”
3.Keep your mind silent
If your mind can remain completely silent while listening to others, you will become fully attentive. Hence, in the act of communication, you need to make a conscious effort to still your inner voice, focus fully on the conversation, and listen carefully what has been said.
4.Don’t judge others’ opinions
At the same time, you need to listen to others’ thoughts and opinions without any judgement, criticism, or condemnation of what has been said. Most importantly, you must forget yourself totally, and focus solely on the words and the feelings the other person is conveying with all with your senses. In this way, you will hear accurately the message conveyed in the act of communication. Then, you can respond appropriately.
5.Pay attention to the non-verbal cues
In the act of communication, it can be useful to recognise the non-verbal cues, for example when the other person looks confused, or uneasy. When you register these unpleasant feelings, you may ask, “Would you like me to explain that part again?” or, “You look uncertain, what can I do to help?” You may also acknowledge the other person’s feelings by reflecting back with comments like: “It seems that you have doubts about asking for some extra help,” or “You seem/sound concerned about this…” Sometimes, when communicating with others, you can decrease tension in problem situations with humour, decrease the tone of your voice, and offer a smile as you make your point.
If you listen attentively and attend well, people will feel respected and valued in your presence. They will feel that you are giving them your time and attention, and that their concerns genuinely matter to you. When listening attentively, you will better understand their message, and you will be able to provide appropriate advice, or information. At the same time, if you listen attentively to others’ opinions or perspectives, you might get a new insight about the issue at hand, and that insight may transform you.
Find more tips on how to listen attentively and become a more confident communicator in our life-changing online course: Become a Confident Communicator.